undeserving heart.

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in no way am I perfect, none of us are. and that's why I strongly believe that none of us have the right to judge someone. a blog, a facebook, or even stories from different sources can only tell so much- or even nothing at all- and I truly believe that until you take the time to spend time with someone, get to know them personally, and walk with them in this little thing called life- we have no reason to pass any cruel judgments on anyone, especially when we ourselves, as humans, are just as flawed. there's too much beauty in the world and there's too much beauty in every individual, that I think harsh words are unnecessary. after all, we ALL struggle and we ALL fail. to judge another person would only increase our own hypocrisy, so what's the point? things happen, people wrong people, people get hurt, things are done that shouldn't have been done- but they happen. we all do things we regret, we all say things we know we shouldn't have said, we all go to places we wish we would've never gone to- but they happen. and for a good purpose, too.

with that said, I also feel I have no place to judge people because after all- who am I to judge anyone? I am a sinner who deserves absolutely nothing. I'm no better than you just as you are no better than me and all of us deserve nothing. and while we continue to live these incredible lives of blessings and luxuries, I can't help but to think about how filthy I am in front of a God who is just and who is blameless.

I don't deserve to have such amazing parents who I absolutely love spending time with. who sacrifice and do whatever it takes to make sure their children are okay. they love me and they spoil me and then it hits me. who am I to ever talk back to them? who am I to disrespect them? and truthfully, it happens- a lot. I disrespect them all the time, I take out my grouchiness on them, I talk back and respond in ways I shouldn't. it's amazing, the heart of my mother and father. the things they do and the people they are is what makes this place a home for all of us. I don't deserve to be living under this roof for free, I don't deserve breakfast on the counter every morning, I don't deserve my mom's gourmet lunches, I don't deserve dinner when I come home from work, I don't deserve free shopping sprees with my dad, I don't deserve a car to drive, I don't deserve to have a cellphone, I don't deserve any of these things one bit. and still, these blessings are clearly in my life and I am truly thankful. though at times they probably can't see it, and though at times I make it hard to see because of this heart that can often grow cold and mean, I am so thankful to have two people who show me what it is to be "in love" in my life, supporting me and loving me constantly- despite it all.

I don't deserve to have someone like Andrew. he's got a heart of gold. of all the fellas I've liked in the past, none can even compare to what he has and who he is as a person. I've hurt him so bad in the past, especially in high school, and I've done things in the past behind his back that have hurt him real bad- but Andrew knows how to hold fast to God, and he knows how to forgive because of the fact that God forgave us. he's got an incredible imagination, he thinks of things I would never think of, he comes up with stories and worlds that one would only dream of, and he asks so many thought-provoking questions that one would never think of or that one is too afraid to ask. he's totally genuine, he won't sugarcoat anything. he's a free spirit and he's simple. I've always told my mom that one way to describe Andrew is "slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." he sees the best in people and he knows what he has to get done, and he does it. he's smart, and the way he thinks is amazing. we never fight, but when we do argue- it's over things that matter. I really don't know what God has in store for the future. but, I do know that right now God has placed a young man in my life who fears Him, who is extremely dedicated to his work and works diligently, who doesn't ever put up fronts with people, who values his family and as well as my own, who respects me, who takes the littlest things in life and makes them grand adventures, and who continually inspires and teaches me to grow for a good purpose.

in truth? I don't deserve any of these things. I don't deserve second chances, I don't deserve the luxury of living in America, I don't deserve to receive an amazing education, I don't deserve to walk with shoes on my feet, I don't deserve to eat 3 meals a day (sometimes even 5), I don't deserve to have legs to dance, I don't deserve to be forgiven for anything- and yet, God still does and people still do. at the end of the day, none of us deserve anything. we continually go about life minding our own business, slapping God in the face by continually indulging in our selfishness and lusts, and yet- Jesus Christ died for all of this and everything. and sure, I've made horrible mistakes and I don't deserve what I have, but I have it. God gave us the gift of love, the gift of forgivness and the gift of redemption in Jesus Christ. so while I'm here, I stand aware of the fact that I have a messy, dirty heart. but I stand strong in the fact that Jesus Christ is my foundation and that I am forgiven and even though I don't deserve all these blessings in my life- He gave them to me for a purpose. and I have no right to ever judge another, I only have the right to share life with people and savor the beauty in it with them. so while I'm here, I'm going to take my past, take my mistakes, take my blessings, take my flaws, take my life and give it all up to God because that's all I can do at the end of the day- surrender.

thank you God for this life full of things I clearly don't deserve.
thank you God for constantly reminding me of the reason why I'm here.
thank you God for the beauty of the gospel.

for forgiving me, and for placing loving people in my life who also give me second chances.
for family and real friends in my life who continually love me- despite it all.
I'm completely happy and I rest in the fact that I have joy, beauty and redemption in the LORD.

and nothing and no one can ever take that away from me.